


give yourself to the rush

by we_are_the_same



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Orgasm Control
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-28
Updated: 2012-10-28
Packaged: 2017-11-17 05:36:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/548177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/we_are_the_same/pseuds/we_are_the_same
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam has trouble getting an orgasm and Zayn does research and nearly loses his hair in the process.</p>
            </blockquote>





	give yourself to the rush

**Author's Note:**

> based on a kinkmeme prompt. information used/talked about in this fic is based on research from several sites, but most notably this one: http://www.health.am/sex/more/treatment_of_male_orgasmic_disorder/
> 
> Title from the Adam Lambert song "Nirvana".   
> First time writing bottom!Liam

  
Liam's always been a private person, so it's really no wonder that Zayn didn't realize something was off until now. He's more inhibited than the other boys are, doesn't curse as easily and blushes when Zayn whispers dirty things into his ear, but Zayn never considered the possibility that something could actually be  _wrong_. And yet here Liam is, nose scrunched up in concentration, hands fisted in the sheets while Zayn fucks into him, his hips making these little twitching movements and it's good, it's great (it's Liam Payne that he's making love to, how can it be anything other than fucking mindblowing) but Liam doesn't look like he's lost in ecstasy, like he's on the verge of coming the way Zayn has been for the past couple of minutes - thrusts growing jerky and erratic, his fingers feeling clumsy and too big as he tries to keep up a rhythm on Liams length. He looks -  _pained_ , almost. Eyes shut tight as he moves his body with an almost single-minded determination, annoyance visible on his face before it's chased off by a frown. Zayn stills above him when he sees moisture clinging to Liams eyelids, his hand moving to Liams cheek. "Hey."  
  
Liam scowls for a moment, tiny shake of his head meaning that he doesn't want to deal with this right now, but fuck if Zayn is going to have sex with his boyfriend while he's  _crying_. "Hey" He says again, firmer this time, his other hand on Liams hip to keep him from thrusting up the way he wants to. He strokes quivering muscle until Liam gives in, lets a harsh sob escape his lips even when he angles his head so Zayn can't look at his face.  _"I'm sorry"_ He whispers, sounding dejected and frustrated and  _mad_  at himself, and Zayn feels like nothing he could possibly say would do the situation justice. So he strokes his hair and pulls out - ignoring the humiliated whimper that follows - discards the condom so he can cuddle up to Liam and wrap his arms around him. "It's okay" He says, with no clue as to what exactly is going on, only that it's quite clearly  _not_  okay, but Liam just sniffles and curls into him and Zayn kisses his hair and hums tonelessly until the taller boy relaxes and falls asleep.  
  
When Zayn wakes up, he hears the shower running, and he's pressed against Liams back before the memory of last night catches up to him, making him freeze for a moment, which in turn makes Liam's breath hitch. Zayn silently curses his body for the response and presses an apologetic kiss to Liams shoulder, keeps his lips on his skin until the other stops feeling so rigid in his arms. "Morning" He says then, voice still sleep-rough and happy, and Liam hums something in response, fits his hand over where Zayn has his own laced together on his chest. Zayn smiles against his skin and nuzzles close, brushes his lips over the soft skin just underneath Liams ear, and Liam relaxes into it further, until Zayn is carrying half his weight and Zayn loves that, loves that Liam trusts him enough to take care of him. He shows his appreciation with a gentle bite to his shoulder, thoughts briefly straying to the time they've got left before they're due to meet the others for breakfast and whether it'll be worth it to actually start something, but the memory of last night makes something unpleasant churn in his stomach. He knows they've got to talk about this, but the last thing he wants is for Liam to feel bad over what happened, and with a busy day ahead of him he feels justified in taking the cowards way out and leaving the subject of their rather disastrous first time undiscussed.  
  
Besides, they'll just try again, and it'll be no big deal.  
  
That night they're fooling around, making out on Zayns bed that has recently been reclaimed as  _their_  bed, jeans undone and shirts rumpled up but still half-way decent, when Liam suddenly stops kissing back and turns his face away when Zayn leans in to connect their lips again. "What's wrong?" He asks, hand splayed over the younger boys heart while he uses the other to push himself up enough to look at his boyfriend, who refuses to answer. "Li?" He presses, tone gentle, and Liam flushes, squirms away from where Zayn had him pinned to the bed, and Zayn lets him, though he stops him from leaving the mattress completely. "Lia-" He starts again, but Liam turns to face him then.  _"Don't."_ He grits out, and the tone makes Zayn recoil from where he'd reached out to hold his arm.  _"I'm tired. Let's go to sleep, yeah?"_ It's been a long day but they both know that that's not really what's going on, and Zayn steels himself, ignores the way Liam is drawn in on himself. "Babe, come on" He urges, and this time Liam actually jerks away.  _"Leave it, Zayn. Damn it."_ He sounds agitated and hurt and angry, fists clenched against his sides as he paces around the room.  _"I don't want to talk about it, okay?"_ He spits out, Zayn idly wondering if Liam is really mad at him or if it's easier to allow his rage when he has something to project it on. He stays on the bed, hands curled into his lap as he looks up at his boyfriend, subconsciously trying to appear as harmless and accepting as he can, because whatever it is, whatever Liam's angry about, Zayn loves him and that won't go away. "Okay" He whispers, hands shifting to button up his jeans because he wants him to know that he's not putting any pressure on him, on this, but the sight draws a quiet hurt sound from Liam.  _"Okay?"_ He echoes, and it sounds kind of hysteric, and he steps close as though he wants to shake Zayn or possibly hit him, but instead he just stops and shivers, a full-body tremble.  _"Okay?"_ He repeats, tone softer now, but just as painful.  _"Just like that? Okay Liam we don't have to talk about the fact that you ruined our first time together? Don't have to discuss how there's something wrong with you if you can't even stay hard when you're having sex with the guy you've wanted for ages?"_  
  
The way he says it makes Zayn wince, the words sounding almost careless, cruel in the way Liam spits them out, turns every word into a little arrow designed to pierce his skin and hurt his heart. It is hurting, but it's hurting for Liam, who is trembling head to toe and looking so dejected. He looks as though his failure to come is thought to be a personal insult to Zayn, and yeah, okay, he can see how Liam thinks Zayn must be feeling inadequate for not being able to get him off, but the way he's talking, Zayn just wants to hold him and tell him it's  _okay_. Instead he glances up again and asks "Has this happened before?" Liam flushes again, dark red creeping down even his collarbones, and he opens and closes his mouth a few times, fingers curling back into a fist. "Because if it has" He continues, voice still patient and soft, "then it's not me, is it?"  
  
 _"That's your way of comforting me? Telling me it's my fault?"_ Liam sounds incredulous and Zayn bites his lip, because yeah, that didn't come out right. "Not what I meant Li. I mean - well - yeah. It  _is_  you, isn't it? Not that, not that you're doing something wrong, I just mean-" He buries his face in his hands for a moment, groans at his inability to communicate, wishes for Louis' way with words or Harry's easy charm. "I'm saying - if this is something that's happened before, then you shouldn't worry about how I'm feeling, is all? I don't feel inadequate, I guess, is what I'm trying to say. Because if this, if last night, if that wasn't the first time - then it's not about you not being attracted to me?" Liam makes another of those quiet little hurt noises, like he wants to cry at the thought of Zayn thinking any of it, of having to think of things like this at all, and his shoulders slump as he shakes his head.  _"It's not you"_ He confirms, and Zayn nods, extends a hand to him so Liam can crawl back onto the bed, something he does after a moments hesitance.  Zayn hides how much that hurts, the tentative way Liam stretches out next to him, but he can guess how wrong Liam must feel right now, how broken, if he can't even trust his body to function normally. So he wraps his arms around him again, ignores the distance that Liam is trying to keep, and he lays his lips to the spot over his boyfriends heart, whispers a fervent "It's gonna be okay" - believes it when Liams arms tighten around him in response.  
  
*  
  
Thing is, Zayn has no idea how to fix this. Doesn't understand what would cause a perfectly healthy teenage boy to be unable to achieve an orgasm, though he is sensitive to how painful it must be for Liam to acknowledge, let alone talk about. He lets the subject rest for a few days, shows plenty of affection just so Liam doesn't get any ideas about Zayn not wanting to be with him anymore, and when he's finally got a moment alone - a photo shoot leaving Liam occupied, while the other lads have gone for a late lunch - he hits up google, intent on finding out as much as he can to help out his boyfriend. The thought that this is something that can't be fixed crosses his mind, but he tells himself that it's ridiculous, and either way, even if he can't help Liam he can try to understand and make sure that Liam doesn't have to suffer alone.  
  
He's jerked back to reality - head filled with terms like  _o_ _rgasmic disorder_  and  _perineal stimulation_  and  _performance anxiety_  - by Liam who teases him about needing glasses if he insists on reading entire books on his phone, and Zayn looks up and smiles, soft and fond, making Liam smile back, albeit a bit surprised by the tender expression in Zayns eyes.  _"What're you reading anyway?"_ He asks, and Zayn just shakes his head and nods towards the photographer as he pockets his phone and gets to his feet, fingers easily threading with Liams. "You done?" Liam nods and it makes him grin, push up on his toes to bump their noses together before he steals a kiss, pressure firm but only lasting a second. "Good." Liam looks suspicious now, but mollified by Zayns gentle smile, and though he's curious he doesn't ask, just nods when Zayn says "Let's go home."  
  
They don't really  _live_  together, but they've spent more nights together in Zayns apartment than they've been apart, even before they both had the guts to admit to their feelings, and when Zayn means home Liam knows that it's only home because Liam comes with him, something Zayn felt almost embarrassed about admitting, words whispered into his skin late at night. It's how a lot of their conversations went at first, whispered confessions in the dark, bodies pressed together so close that they couldn't look at one another, and that's why Zayn waits until they're in bed with the lights out until he brings up the subject again. The way his hand strokes over Liams hip is enough to keep him from fully drawing away, though he tenses a little at first. Zayn keeps brushing his hand up and down his side until the tension drains, staying quiet until he hears him exhale in the dark.  _"Okay"_ He hears Liam say, feels him swallow from where he's got his nose pressed against Liams throat,  _"okay, what about it? What do you want to talk about?"_  
  
Zayn kisses his skin and nuzzles at his jaw and wishes that he could tell Liam how incredibly proud he is of him for opening up, letting him talk about such a sensitive subject. From the way Liam cards his fingers through his hair, he thinks the other knows.   
  
"When um, when it's just you -" He starts, awkward despite the shared trust between them, fumbling for the right words to keep Liam from drawing in on himself again. "You've made yourself come before, right?" Zayn's fairly sure he knows the answer to that but he has to start somewhere, and while he's not trying to diagnose him he does want to get a feel of what the problem is - though he has an idea he already knows. Liam snorts out an almost derisive  _"Yeah"_ and follows it up with a hushed  _"I'm not **completely**  defective, you know" _that Zayn protests with a small bite to his collarbone. "Okay" He soothes, holds back the almost snapped reply that Liam is an idiot for thinking he's damaged, hums against his skin for a moment. "So you're able to make yourself come. Have you ever had someone else make you come?" It's a ridiculous question to ask a boy that's been his boyfriend for months now, but they've only recently finished touring and bunk beds on buses weren't ideal and hotel nights usually left them too tired to do anything, and maybe Zayn thought it romantic to have their first time be their  _first time_ together, not just having sex but doing anything other than kissing and touching. Liam seemed to share the thought but Zayn wonders now if he was scared too, of not being able to perform. The silence that spreads out between them is answer enough, but he's happy when he hears him speak, glad that Liam trusts him enough to let him in.  _"No"_ He says, and it sounds so small, so hurt, and all Zayn can do is kiss his skin and hold him until Liam stops trembling.  
  
"I've been reading online" is what he says five or so minutes later, long enough for Liam to have gone pliant underneath his hands, Zayns fingers spread out over his hip. Liam doesn't respond save for a non-committal mm, which Zayn takes as encouragement. "You trust me, right?" He doesn't really need a reply but waits for one, Liams nose butted against his chin making him smile, he doesn't need to look at him to know Liam is rolling his eyes. "There are some things we can try. If you want." He tries not to hold his breath, feels his heart constrict painfully when Liam doesn't answer at first.  _"What if I can't?"_ His voice is back to sounding apprehensive, almost scared, and Zayn shakes his head. "It's not about achieving some goal, Li."  _"But-"_ "It's about getting you comfortable with me."  
  
 _"I am comfortable"_ Liam protests, tries to fight off Zayns embrace so he can look at him, eyes all wide and somewhat indignant that Zayn could think - and Zayn smiles despite himself, leans in to silence his protests. "I know, babe. I know that you trust me and that you're more yourself with me than with anyone, but have you ever really let yourself go? Not just with me, but with anyone? Have you drank, laughed, screamed, cried, fucked without inhibition?" Liams face falls, and Zayn is quick to pull him back against him. "Don't get me wrong Li, I'm not saying that you're boring or that you need to change, I love how you are, I love how gentle and serious and mature you are, but you're always in control. You're always the one taking care of people, making sure that you're not bothering anyone with your problems. Maybe - maybe the problem is that you're still doing all of that when we're in bed together. That you're still so composed, so worried about letting go and being vulnerable, that you just clam up?" His sentences come slow, words weighed and tasted on his tongue before he lets them fall between them, and Zayn imagines he can hear little sounds as they break down the silent barrier between them.  _"So what you're saying is-"_ Liam starts, Zayn waiting with bated breath, thumb brushing idle circles over soft skin as he hears Liam struggle with his words.  _"The reason I can't come when I'm in bed with someone is because I'm worried about letting go in front of them?"_   Zayn doesn't answer right away, wonders if Liam is contemplating those words the way he is. It makes sense, sure, but is it true? He makes a sound when Liam stays quiet, clicks his tongue like he's still thinking about it, careful not to answer too quickly. He wants Liam to make his own decisions, not go by what he thinks Zayn believes.  _"Your research"_ Liam starts, tone carefully neutral,  _"does it say how to fix that?"_  
  
Zayn rolls over until he's on top of Liam, claims his mouth in a searing kiss that leaves them both panting after several minutes. It didn't take Liam more than ten seconds to start kissing him back, to be coaxed into opening his mouth so Zayn can paint pictures on the roof of his mouth, and it makes Zayn smile, makes him press close for another kiss, though this time he's smiling too wide to really manage more than a peck and a brief lick at Liams lips. "Think you can come from touching yourself while I watch?" Liam squirms a little underneath him, but the way his breath hitches sounds more turned on than worried, though Zayn appreciates that he takes a moment to think it through. "It's okay if you can't" He continues, his hand now underneath Liams shirt, tracing patterns on his stomach. "There's no goal here, yeah? Focus on enjoying yourself, on feeling good. Don't feel like you  _have_ to come, don't worry about me looking, just touch yourself the way you would if I wasn't there, alright?"  
  
Liam licks his lips, voice cracking a little as he replies  _"alright"._  
  
Zayn shifts away only enough so that Liam can shove his jeans down, his movements clumsy until Zayn strokes down his arm, stops him from sliding a hand down into his boxers. "I'm just here, yeah? Do you want me to stay on the bed? Should I touch you or-?" Liam cuts off an unsure sound, bites his lip and shakes his head, eyes locking with Zayns as he takes the older boys hand and moves it to his hair with an almost shy smile.  _"Just - like that?"_ He pushes up into his hand until Zayn starts patting it out of habit, a shaky sigh his reward. Liams hand slides down over his stomach again, into his boxers, and Zayn closes his eyes and rests his forehead against Liams shoulder, figuring that it will be easier if Liam doesn't feel like he's being watched. He can feel how his elbow brushes against his stomach with every movement of Liams hand, but for a few minutes that's all the proof he has that Liam is actually jerking himself off. He's quiet, biting down on his bottom lip to hold back even the little hitches of his breath, and Zayn has to remind himself that they're not trying to reach a goal here, that even though some of the websites said that achieving orgasm in front of your partner could work, others warned that it shouldn't become the sole focus. He almost wishes he could ask someone for help, but he knows Liam wouldn't want anyone to know, not even the other boys, so he hopes that his boyfriend will understand if he doesn't exactly know what to do. "Does it - is it good?" He asks, tentative, and Liam shifts his head until his face is pressed against Zayns cheek, breathes out a shaky  _"Yeah"_ that makes Zayn throb in his jeans. He shifts to palm at himself a little, almost unaware that his hand moved south until Liam sucks in a breath and he can feel teeth scraping against his throat. "Is this okay?" He asks, needing to be sure, and Liam grunts his assent, muscles tightening in his arm as he applies more pressure to himself. Zayn would love to watch but he figures that Liam is self conscious enough, and even though he feels a little bit apprehensive about kicking away his clothes, he stretches out on the bed to touch himself, eyes closed so he isn't tempted to watch his boyfriends reaction at seeing him spread out and wanton. There's a hint of nerves at first, one that he can only imagine must be spread like wildfire in Liam, soaked into every pore until he can't stop thinking about what he's doing, over-analyzing everything, and Zayn keeps his eyes closed as he fists himself loosely, free hand still curled into Liams hair. Liam is quiet next to him, but he soon hears him working his cock again, feels his body shift on the bed as they share this moment, acknowledging the others vulnerability without commenting on it or bringing it into focus.  
  
Liam starts making these little noises, still soft, sometimes half-aborted, but they're coming more often now, tumbling off his lips while Zayn strokes himself to the images he's conjuring up, fed by the things he can hear and see and feel. He doesn't open his eyes until he feels Liams body going taut beside him, hears his breath hitch before he groans, and it's only when he's sure he's boneless against the mattress that he allows himself to look, his own eyes dark as they roam over his boyfriends body. Liams lips are red and puffed, come is streaked over his stomach and Zayn groans as lust punches him in the stomach, skin suddenly feeling too tight for his body. "Fuck, Liam" He sounds reverent, wants to bend over and lick him clean, wants to kiss him and tell him how fucking gorgeous he looks, but instead he keeps his eyes locked on those dark and blissed-out ones, lets him see and hear how good he feels, how good  _Liam_  is making him feel even if it's his own hand pumping up and down his shaft. Liam looks entranced, like he can't keep his eyes off him, and Zayn growls out his name when he comes.  
  
Later on, when they're cuddled together after a shower, Liam presses a kiss to his heart and whispers  _"thanks"_. Zayn kisses the top of his head and says nothing, but he's smiling when they fall asleep.  
  
*  
  
Careful not to press for too much, Zayn is surprised when Liam presses close in the morning, brushes a hand over his groin and whispers  _"so what's the next step?"_  
  
He can feel himself hardening underneath his touch, making it hard to remember not to go full-speed ahead when Liams clever hand is working him over so deliciously, and he distracts himself by mouthing at Liams neck until a dark bruise is sucked into his skin. Zayn needs a moment, but Liam has gone from fondling him to downright jerking him off, and Zayn knows better than to stop him or hold back on the sounds - it's not exactly fair if he's asking Liam to let go while he's holding back. So he doesn't bother filtering his sounds, only tightens his fingers around Liams shoulders and whispers into his ear, how good he feels, how hot this is, how he's gonna hold Liam down and fuck him, and Liam shivers and mutters  _"yeah, yeah, Zayn yeah"_ under his breath like he's the one being pulled towards orgasm.   
  
 _"But seriously, what's the next step"_ Liam asks him over breakfast, when Zayns brain has finally come back online, and he can't help but grin at how eager Liam looks. How  _hopeful_ , and it's making Zayns heart lurch in the best way possible. "Um" He says, savoring the taste of pancakes in his mouth, swiping his tongue over his lips to chase the taste of maple syrup. "I'm gonna jerk you." Liam looks intrigued and worried at the same time, and Zayn grins. "But you don't get to come." Before Liam can argue about how this is counter-productive, Zayn kisses him with sticky-sweet lips. "Trust me" He sing-songs, pats Liams ass and nips at his jaw before growing serious. "It's like, a rule? You're not supposed to come. You're just supposed to enjoy this." Liam still looks dubious, and Zayns face softens, his hands cupping the others cheeks. "Trust me" He repeats, kisses him again, gentler this time. "I'm gonna make you feel good, okay?"   
  
Liam, although not entirely convinced of the actual effectiveness of the plan, seems eager to start, but Zayn taps his nose and wriggles out of his embrace, laughs as Liam tries to corner him again. "Dishes first Li" He admonishes, though he gives in and kisses him, nibbles on his bottom lip and presses him against the kitchen counter until they're both hard and rocking against each other. It's hard to pull away but he knows that this is good, that Liam needs to learn to enjoy this without worrying about the final act, the show-stopping number that everyone agrees is the best part but that wouldn't mean shit without the entire performance leading up to it. He tousles up Liams hair, gives his groin a playful squeeze and directs him towards the dishes, chuckling when Liam grumbles under his breath.  
  
They manage dishes  _and_  groceries before Zayn all but drags Liam into the bedroom, settles down onto the bed fully clothed and pulls Liam against him so his back is resting against his chest. He doesn't bother undressing him, just pops a button on his jeans and slides his hand down, pleased to find him half hard before his fingers have fully curled around him. "Remember to tell me to stop when you're close" He murmurs, thumbing at the head before letting his hand drift down, touches so light that he figures he'll never be able to get Liam off like this anyway. Liam has his head pillowed against Zayns chest, eyes closed and neck bared so Zayn can see his throat work as he swallows, can see his lashes tremble when he tightens his hand only to let the pressure fade. Liams right hand is rested on Zayns hip, the fingers of their left hands linked on the bed spread, and Zayn smiles as he palms him, feeling the weight of him against his hand before he shifts to fondle his balls, touch never hard enough to do more than tease. Ten minutes pass like this, fifteen, and Liam is sighing softly and thrusting in his hand, jeans worked open a bit further so Zayn can slip his hand to behind his balls, tease at the soft skin there, even press a fingertip against his hole for a moment. Liam is still leaned comfortably against him, head lolled back against his shoulder as he murmurs out an almost dream-like  _"feels so good"_ that Zayn unfortunately has to take as his cue to stop.   
  
Liam whines when he removes his hand, wiggles like he's tempted to stick his own hand down his pants, and Zayn bites back a groan. "Not yet baby" He says, sounding genuinely sorry, and when Liam grinds his ass into his dick in revenge, Zayn can't even blame him. He buttons Liams jeans back up, gives him a kiss and puts on Toy Story to distract him.   
  
Zayn jerks Liam off again while the other is cooking, leaving him trembling and frustrated and the food is over-spiced because Zayn had to do that whole wrist-twist thing while Liam was adding ground ginger to the sauce. Zayn plays footsie with him under the table and doesn't protest when Liam growls out  _"fuck those dishes"_ and pulls him into the bedroom, but he finds himself shoved off the bed half an hour later when he stops for the second time mid-wank, when Liam calls him a dick and fists himself until he comes with a grunt. Zayn meets his eyes with his own amused ones as a flustered Liam peeks over the edge of the bed a few minutes later, a hastily mumbled  _"sorry"_ enough to make him climb back onto the sheets.  _"I know you're only trying to help"_ Liam says in lieu of another apology, and Zayn grins down at where Liams come has left a damp spot on the bedspread. "helping" He corrects, and Liam looks awfully pleased with himself. So does Zayn, ten minutes later, when he comes down Liams throat.  
  
The next day is spent much the same, except that Zayn is so caught up in the way Liam fucks his hand that he neglects to see the clues for what they are, but with come coating his hand and Liam looking all sleepy and satisfied, it's hard to be mad at himself. It doesn't help that Liam is all cuddly afterwards, that he keeps kissing Zayn and saying thank you and it's really hard to keep himself from fantasizing about Liam coming on his dick when he's making those greedy little noises as he sucks him off.   
  
He's almost thankful for the full day of interviews they have the next day, though he finds himself wondering what it'd be like if he got Liam so worked up when he's supposed to be professional. Zayn wonders if it's him being mean or if it'd actually serve the purpose of making Liam a little less desperate for control, but he manages to hold back - if you don't count the "I'm gonna blow you the minute we get home" that he casually whispers in the others ear a good forty-five minutes before they're released from their duties.   
  
 _"Mean"_ Liam pouts when they're in the car, but Zayn makes good on his promise, shoves Liam up against the front door and proceeds to deepthroat him until Liams thighs are shaking and his grip on Zayns hair is tight enough that Zayn fears for his follicles. He manages to escape without losing clumps of hair, even if the look on Liams face is murderous as he pulls back. "This is for your own good" He reminds him, but he figures it's best to keep some distance between them, and although Niall gives them suspicious looks when he pops up after Zayn invites him for dinner, he doesn't ask any questions and lets himself be the distraction that Liam needs.   
  
(Zayn barely gets to work his tongue around him for more than three minutes before he hears Niall flush the toilet, and he tries not to smirk too much when Liam spends the next game of Mario Kart with a pillow in his lap).  
  
 _"I love you"_ Liam says, later that night, when they're tangled together in bed, and Zayn smiles. He brushes his hand over Liams groin and Liam grunts.  _"I also kind of hate you."_ Zayn hides his chuckle against Liams skin as he kisses down his chest, whispers his "I love you too" to the place where groin meets thigh. It's stifling hot under the sheets but he goes down on him anyway, ignores the groan when he lets him pop out of his mouth later on, Liams legs falling open when he brushes his fingers against his hole. "Tomorrow I'm gonna rim you" He says, punctuating the words with another press of his fingers.   
  
 _"Yep. Hate you."_  
  
*  
  
When a week has passed and Zayn can barely keep himself focused for more than ten minutes - which is made even harder when Liam smiles at him, or presses close, or touches him, so basically Zayn is fucked without the pleasant side-effect of actually having his dick up Liams ass - he allows himself to think of more than just the progress they've made. Liam's been able to relax while he jerks and sucks him, has stopped holding back on the sounds he makes when Zayn has his hand or his mouth on him, and he's even achieved spontaneous orgasms with Zayns fingers inside of him and his tongue fucking his ass. He's also had to deal with the threat of bald spots and bodily harm whenever he stopped before Liam could even think of reaching climax, and the fact that he's been pissy about it rather than worried has Zayn optimistic. All the same, he's ... not exactly  _scared_ , but worried, that taking that next step and trying for home stretch so soon is going to end up a disappointment. No matter how many times Zayn has assured Liam that making love is about more than orgasms, that Zayn loves Liam and that he doesn't worry about his own competence if he doesn't manage, he knows that Liam will feel disheartened if it doesn't happen. The pressure that Zayn has been trying to erase is still there, no matter how careful he is, even in just thinking about it. They both know that once they have sex, Zayn is going to want Liam to come, almost as badly as Liam is going to want to prove to Zayn that he's no longer broken.  
  
He persistently doesn't bring it up, tries to ignore how his own dick can grow hard at just one hopeful look from Liam, but he almost sags in relief when Liam brushes past him after an interview late one afternoon and half-questions half-demands  _"I wanna try. Tonight."_ Straightening back up, Zayn nods, squeezes Liams hand in answer to the unspoken  _is that okay_. He smiles at him with more confidence than he feels, tries not to panic as his mind jumps around, trying to remember articles he's read and things he should do and red flags that he should prepare for, and he almost laughs at himself because he can't help but wonder if this is what Liam felt all along.   
  
It helps when he feels Liams naked skin against his, later that night. It's familiar, all the bones and angles and little marks on his skin, the details that no one knows like how Zayns ankle fits perfectly between Liams lower legs, or how his face fits just right against his shoulder. It's like saying hello to an old friend, and Zayn loses himself in the miles of skin that are on display, locks away the do's and don'ts that will likely make his confidence falter. He focuses on Liam, on kissing down the column of his neck and teasing at his nipple until just blowing a breath over it makes Liam hiss. He doesn't ask 'are you sure' like he wants to, but from the way Liam melts into every touch, Zayn knows that he doesn't have to. So instead he kisses at his hip at smiles at him and says "I'm gonna make this good for you" and Liam smiles back at him and nods and says  _"I know"_.   
  
It's not all as easy as that, much as Zayn would like for it to be, he spends a little too long preparing Liam, until he hears vague worry in his tone when he says  _"come on"_ and Zayn mutters "sorry" which makes Liams face fall a little. He fumbles with the condom a little because he hears Liams breath hitch and can practically hear the buzzing of his thoughts, but Liam smiles at him when Zayn slides in and when he cups his face and kisses him, Liam kisses back and rocks his hips. The tight, wet heat is enough to drive Zayn wild, and he feels almost guilty when he nudges his nose against Liams cheek and whispers "I uh, maybe it's best if - if y'know" because he doesn't know if he has the coordination to bring Liam off and he knows Liam feels more comfortable when it's his own hand, when he has some control over what's happening even if Zayn would do anything Liam asked him to to make him feel secure. Liam pauses for a moment, hips stilling and so do Zayns, leaving them to look at one another, small pants the only sounds that are heard in the silence that stretches out between them.  _"No"_ He finally says, and the smile that follows that statement prompts a smile from Zayn.  _"I mean. I'd like you to - if you could?"_ He sounds shy but not worried, not like he's overthinking it, and to keep him from questioning himself, Zayn nods, hand already skimming down his chest to hold him loosely between his fingers. It takes a moment to synch his hips with his hand, thrusts starting out clumsy but growing bolder when he finds a rhythm that works, that he  _hopes_  will work. "Good?" He asks, wants to bite his tongue because wow, no pressure there, but Liam smiles.  _"Perfect"_ He replies, pushes himself up on his elbows to press a quick kiss to Zayns lips.  _"It's not just about coming, wasn't that what you said?"_ He leans back and Zayn admires how his hair is fanned out over the pillow, how he's flushed and looking utterly debauched and still so innocent with those bright sparkling eyes. "Yeah but" He argues, emphasizes his point with a thrust, and Liam chuckles.  _"Just feels good."_ His eyes slip closed and his lips part for a small pleased gasp.  _"Feels real good"_ He mumbles, and Zayn has to hide his face against Liams throat to keep from coming at the sight. "I'm still gonna make you come" He says, and it sounds petulant, but Liam rewards him with a bright laugh and bucks up against him and it's all Zayn's wanted since the first time he laid eyes on him.  
  
He does make him come that night, but it's almost like an afterthought, washing over him at a moment that Liam barely seems to expect it. Zayn stares at him all throughout, watches him shake apart underneath him, savors the sounds and the sights, but nothing as much as the grateful  _"I love you"_ that Liam whispers once he's found his breath again. Zayn thrusts once more, trembles at the force of the orgasm that rushes through him, making him unable to hold himself up any longer. Liam coaxes him into lying down, wraps his arms around him, and Zayn gratefully rests his head against his boyfriends chest, careful not to move when the feeling of being inside Liam is so overwhelmingly good. His "I love you too" is mumbled softly, and Liams answering  _"I know"_ is even more quiet, though Zayn is sure that he hears him say something else before he falls asleep. Something that sounds suspiciously like  _thank you_.  
  
  
  
 


End file.
